Leading, Living, Learning and … Sage-ing. I am interested in seeking wisdom to live our best life both professionally and personally. For more information, please see my Welcome Page.
As I was listening to our the bell choir in our church, I was reminded of my favorite story of team-building. I think a bell choir is the best example to illustrate how valuable every person is in a team. I ask questions such as:
Who has been in a bell choir?
If so, how does it work?
Every person has a bell that is what?
What happens if that person decides not to show up that day?
I came up with this example after I volunteered to be in our church bell choir many years ago. After the first practice, the director said, "Now you can't miss practice. If you miss practice your bell will not ring. You have to be here."
I went up to her afterwards and said, "I am not sure I can be at every practice. I have three small children, a full-time job, commute two hours a day, and I just don't know how this will work." To which she replied, "This is not for you." She was rather harsh and I thought her response was not very kind or nice.
But she was right. That was not the time in my life to make a commitment such as that because if I was not there, my bell would not ring. So now I ask people on a team, "How loud is your bell ringing? Is it ringing?"
For most athletic teams or even a chorus, there are other people on the "bench" who can cover for you. But if you are "middle C," or any other note, you have to be there to perform or your bell will not ring.
So if you are on any kind of team right now:
Is your bell ringing?
How loud is it ringing?
If someone on your team is not showing up, use this example as a way to say they need to be there because their bell is not ringing.
A few weeks ago I saw the documentary Bully and I was moved. My response as I left was that if you have children, grandchildren, neighbors, friends, ... everyone should see this movie. The main person, Alex, in the documentary is from Iowa so people in Iowa have a special interest. The documentary follows five teenagers where we learn about their challenges, feelings, and responses to being bullied. Each story is moving in its own way. Watch a clip now.
I found myself reflecting on my childhood and wondering if I had been bullied or if I had bullied someone in the name of being funny. In fact, one time I remember getting in trouble on the school bus because two of us where pulling on the stocking hat of "Jody" and also pulling on his shirt. He did the right thing by telling his mother who told the school and our teachers called us in. We didn't really understand that we were bothering Jody because we both had the biggest crush on him and we considered this flirting (even if we did not really know what flirting was in third grade).
I also worried about my own sons being bullied in school and I not knowing it. There were times when their feelings would get hurt, but I never considered it to be bullying. Maybe it was? I know I worked hard to teach them to not hurt others and to stand up for those not included or being left out or hurt.
But the movie has been criticized for showing us the problem and consequences of bullying without giving us answers. But I concluded the answers must come from within. We each have to decide what we would do.
What would you do if you witnessed or experienced bullying?
And I realized that bullies grow up to be big bullies in the workplace. We may call it harassment, but it is often in the form of bullying--creating a hostile and toxic environment for others. The symptoms illustrated in the documentary are so similar to the symptoms of harassment. People withdraw, become physically ill, and can't be productive, satisfied, or effective.
There was a follow up article in our newspaper that focused on how Alex has blossomed since the family moved to Oklahoma after the movie was distributed. He has found a group of friends and has discovered ways to exist in a healthy way.
Bullying needs to stop in schools, in workplaces, in communities. We have to protect each other.
If you have seen the movie, please tell us what you think. What were your reactions?
Lately I am in situations where people are either retiring, planning to retire relatively soon, or thinking about retirement. So I find myself coaching naturally before you know it. I can't help myself. Even tonight, one of my colleagues who is over 60 said, "I am scared to death about retirement."
My passion is helping baby boomers figure out what to do with the rest of their lives!
First, let me repeat, we are NOT retiring. We are moving on. The question is "to what" are we moving on to. We are going to be doing something for the next 25-30 years. So much of retirement planning has the focus on money. But once a person has "enough" money (whatever enough is to you), the hard part is what they call "lifestyle planning" or what kind of life do you want to plan.
We seem to plan the others parts of our lives: relationships, colleges, careers ... and we don't take the time to plan this last phase of life. The time is now.
So what is the key? The key is to LET GO in order to move on. The key is to overcome our fear.
Fear of the unknown can be a seriously paralyze us. When we don't know where we are going, we hold on tighter to whatever we have. if we were on a swing, we would be holding on tighter to the ropes in fear that we might fall off.
Recently, I had a workshop from which I drew heavily on a great book by Jeri Sedlar and Rick Miners titled: Don't Retire, Rewire: 5 Steps to Fulfilling Work. They use the word "rewire" as a way to remind us that it is important to think about where we might channel our gifts, talents, time, and energy in this next phase of life. Since we have 25-30 years of life to contribute, we need to be proactive in thinking about how to rewire. But when we embrace retirement or embrace making a change, then we are free to use our time in ways that allow us to continue to contribute. According to Sedlar and Miners, we can contribute in these ways:
For me: use our time to learn new skills or talents or to do things that make us happy.
For free: volunteer and give back to our community and family
For fee: consult, teach lessons, get paid a fee for your services
Embracing this change is similar to embracing being bald. As one of my sons said, "When I start going bald (which is likely for all of them--bad family genes), I am going to embrace it and make the most of it."
People who own their own business can decide when they don't want to do it anymore. But for most of us, there is a time when we need to move on either for ourselves or for the benefit of others. Living in denial does not help us. Never planning for it and avoiding thinking or talking about it is not the answer either.
I have also concluded that the more control you have in the situation, the better you feel about it. From my own life experience, I can tell you that planning to leave and taking actions to help let go make the transition so much better. We leave on our own terms and as Meg Wheatley said recently "walk out and walk on" to continue to learn, to grow, to contribute.
When I dropped Meg Wheatley off at the airport, she reminded me, "There are easier ways to make money than what you are doing. But you are being called. You are following your calling. Everything else will work out." And the book I am reading now uses the metaphor: building the bridge as you walk on. That is what I am doing and it is giving me courage and inspiration.
What is holding you back?
What are you afraid of?
How can you overcome that fear?
How do you want to spend your time in this next 25-30 years?
A few weeks ago I was the speaker at a lunch and learn for a start up technology group. I am using the term Geeks from a book by Warren Bennis referring to younger people. The title of my talk was this: Leadership versus Management: What's the Difference? The average age of the group of ten was about 30. In one sentence, I shared what I think is the main difference:
We manage things. We lead people.
Simple as that.
People need to be inspired, encouraged, and helped along the way. Leaders should help and clear the obstacles that get in the way. Leaders should not be the obstacles.
Then I asked them to make a list of the characteristics that make someone an effective leader versus an ineffective leader. I encouraged them to visualize two people--one who was very good at leading and one who was not so good.
What I did not tell them at this point was that for many years I have been asking sages--people who have enough life experience to be reflective--about leadership. I have been interviewing sages who have been working with senior executives and authors of some of the best selling books on leadership. As an experiment, I wanted to see if their lists were different from what I had learned through my sage research.
The group started listing out loud the characteristics and they started with the ineffective ones first--their choice. The list went on and on: big egos, don't listen, micromanage, insecure, think they know the answers ... Then I said, "Let's talk about effective behaviors." And they listed two--encourage questions, respect and then went back to the other list to add more behaviors.
I asked them why it was so much easier to come up with examples of negative or ineffective leadership and they started laughing. Experience was the conclusion. They had experienced bad leadership in their short working lives. And my conclusion was that these lists are not any different from lists generated by people who are older.
Warren Bennis co-authored a book a few years ago titled Geeks and Geezers: How Era, Values, and Defining Moments Shape Leaders. One conclusion was that there were more similarities than expected. We are not as different as we often think.
One conclusion from the lunch and learn, leadership once again is common sense, but common sense is not that common. If we think about it, we should all be able to be effective leaders. But our egos can easily get in the way. Managing our ego is what should be our focus. Then everything else might just work out fine.
A few weeks ago I lost a dear friend, even though I only saw him a few times. Jim Pollock, managing editor of the Business Record, died suddenly and unexpectedly. Just a week earlier, I emailed Jim because he was so good about printing my columns soon after receiving them and this one was taking a long time. While he did not respond, his co-worker, Chris, did informing me that Jim was out of the office because of an illness and that I should resend the article and photo to him. I immediately wanted to know what had happened and I worried about a bike accident since I knew Jim was a big biker.
Chris told me the family was private, but that I could send a card--which I did that day. Two days later I read that Jim had died. As someone who advocates embracing death as one way of learning to live, this was tough for me to practice what I teach. How could this be that Jim was no longer with us?
Chris wrote a beautiful tribute about Jim that I hope you will read. When you read it, make an assessment of the culture. This sounds like a great place to work. When people can sit around a table and talk about what they will miss about Jim and his many contributions--that says a great deal about the culture. When space can be given to write such a tribute. In fact, the senior leader said they are going to publish his columns as a book for the family. But I hope they make it available to friends who would buy it and the money can be used to support the three causes designated for memorial gifts.
I told Chris that reading the article helped in the healing process. Since I did not really know Jim either, I knew that he gave me a voice to write columns. When he had not heard from me for awhile, he would send me an email and say, "Writing anything interesting? Have not heard from you. Send it my way." Jim was a kind and unassuming gentle soul. Bright, witty, quiet, and gifted.
When I would see him at a distance at Business Record events, I always hoped to have a chance to say hello. But he was often lost in the crowd. We went out to lunch once last June. It was my idea--my way of saying "thank you" for encouraging me to write. He talked about biking and his family and I talked about writing and my new phase of life. He was interested in talking about what was next for him too.
Read the article. More workplaces should make the time and space to honor people and their contributions. Culture is key.
To Jim: Thank you for everything you did to help me to grow. My writing always improved after you edited it. You will be missed, but always remembered. Jann
SAN DIEGO, CA - FEBRUARY 5: Job searchers interview with company representitives during a career fair at the Convention Center on February 5, 2010in San Diego, California. The U.S. may lose 824,000 jobs when the government releases its annual revision to employment data on Feb. 5, showing the labor market was in worse shape during the recession than known at the time. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)
Recently, I read an article in a newsletter about great bosses. Since I tend to write about bad bosses, I thought good bosses deserved some attention. I read a lot and these are common themes and the themes seem as if they should be common sense. Yet, I will be sharing in another blog about how a recent local company decided to cut costs. Of course, everything I heard from friends inside indicate that the actions taken violate everything stated below. If is possible to cut costs and be a great boss? I will be exploring that question in more detail.
For now, this is what the article said about being a great boss.
1. Business is an ecosystem, not a battlefield.
Average bosses see business as a conflict between companies, departments and groups. They build huge armies of "troops" to order about, demonize competitors as "enemies," and treat customers as "territory" to be conquered. Extraordinary bosses see business as a symbiosis where the most diverse firm is most likely to survive and thrive. They naturally create teams that adapt easily to new markets and can quickly form partnerships with other companies, customers ... and even competitors.
2. A company is a community, not a machine.
Average bosses consider their company to be a machine with employees as cogs. They create rigid structures with rigid rules and then try to maintain control by "pulling levers" and "steering the ship." Extraordinary bosses see their company as a collection of individual hopes and dreams, all connected to a higher purpose. They inspire employees to dedicate themselves to the success of their peers and therefore to the community–and company–at large.
3. Management is service, not control.
Average bosses want employees to do exactly what they're told. They're hyper-aware of anything that smacks of insubordination and create environments where individual initiative is squelched by the "wait and see what the boss says" mentality. Extraordinary bosses set a general direction and then commit themselves to obtaining the resources that their employees need to get the job done. They push decision making downward, allowing teams form their own rules and intervening only in emergencies.
4. My employees are my peers, not my children.
Average bosses see employees as inferior, immature beings who simply can't be trusted if not overseen by a patriarchal management. Employees take their cues from this attitude, expend energy on looking busy and covering their behinds. Extraordinary bosses treat every employee as if he or she were the most important person in the firm. Excellence is expected everywhere, from the loading dock to the boardroom. As a result, employees at all levels take charge of their own destinies.
5. Motivation comes from vision, not from fear.
Average bosses see fear--of getting fired, of ridicule, of loss of privilege--as a crucial way to motivate people. As a result, employees and managers alike become paralyzed and unable to make risky decisions. Extraordinary bosses inspire people to see a better future and how they'll be a part of it. As a result, employees work harder because they believe in the organization's goals, truly enjoy what they're doing and (of course) know they'll share in the rewards.
6. Change equals growth, not pain.
Average bosses see change as both complicated and threatening, something to be endured only when a firm is in desperate shape. They subconsciously torpedo change ... until it's too late. Extraordinary bosses see change as an inevitable part of life. While they don't value change for its own sake, they know that success is only possible if employees and organization embrace new ideas and new ways of doing business.
7. Technology offers empowerment, not automation.
Average bosses adhere to the old IT-centric view that technology is primarily a way to strengthen management control and increase predictability. They install centralized computer systems that dehumanize and antagonize employees. Extraordinary bosses see technology as a way to free human beings to be creative and to build better relationships. They adapt their back-office systems to the tools, like smartphones and tablets, that people actually want to use.
8. Work should be fun, not mere toil.
Average bosses buy into the notion that work is, at best, a necessary evil. They fully expect employees to resent having to work, and therefore tend to subconsciously define themselves as oppressors and their employees as victims. Everyone then behaves accordingly. Extraordinary bosses see work as something that should be inherently enjoyable–and believe therefore that the most important job of manager is, as far as possible, to put people in jobs that can and will make them truly happy.
Are you a great boss?
What do you think it takes to be a great boss?
What else would you include?
I would add that a great boss needs to listen and not always have answers. From my experience, sometimes people just want someone to listen to them. They are not seeking answers. Be patient and just listen. Watch what happens when you do that at work and at home.
Baltic Collagen pure, bioactive, anti aging preparations (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
If you read my blog, you know that I am passionate about the second half of life, particularly the years beyond midlife 55-75. These are the years that are important because they are unscripted, uncharted territory for people who are now healthier and interested in continuing to contribute to society. There are few role models so we have to seek them out.
A few weeks ago I conducted an adult education class titled: Exploring the Second Half of Life. There were 10 people in the class. About half had retired and the other half were thinking about what life might be like in "retirement." But I reminded them that we are not retiring--we are moving on. The question becomes---to what? What do we want to do as we leave our main career? There are many options.
But we also talked about how society is focused on anti-aging. Society does not want us to age, but wants us to turn to anti-aging techniques such as botox, face-lifts, surgery to make us look younger. All of this is external work and does not guarantee happiness, health, success, or meaningfulness.
In fact, there was an advertisement in our newspaper by a plastic surgeon that said: "Look at your face. What does it tell you?" And the point was we are supposed to feel bad enough to do something about it. While I have some wrinkles that I wish were not there, my face tells me I have shown some expression in my life. It tells me that I have always loved to whistle. It reminds me how my grandfather told me I had to whistle outside (and I am not even that good at whistling--it just has always made me happy.) or stop. My college roommate had to remind me at 5:30 am as we were getting ready to work breakfast in the dining hall that I had to stop whistling because it was too early!
With all of this anti-aging emphasis, young people should be happy as can be just because they are young. But we know this is not true. In the last few weeks, there were two highly publicized suicides by 14 year old boys. It has been hard for me to not think about this since I have three sons--although they are now in their 20s.
What could be so bad at age 14 to not want to live? One case was attributed to bullying and harassment. The other case we don't know. This is so very sad to think that they felt as if there was no where to turn--no one who could make it better for them. I know this is a complicated topic and we will not understand from reading the newspaper articles. We may never understand.
Would you want to be a teenager again? Would you really want to be younger again?
Yes, there are things we miss. But the wisdom in knowing that --this, too, shall pass--is valuable. Think about everything you have learned about life and living since you were 14. Learning from our life experience is a significant part of sage-ing. If only we could have shared some of this wisdom with these 14 year olds. We need to watch and listen for the signals.
The paradox seems to be this: We want to be younger--but not really.
For years, I have said that if leaders want to change the culture of the organizations--change the stories that you tell. Stories shape and influence what people think, feel, and believe. After interviewing more than 100 Sages, one of the strong themes that emerged was the significance of telling good stories.
Now I am teaching a marketing course and one of the books we are reading is Made to Stickby the Heath brothers. One of their main principles to make an idea "stick" is the telling of stories. "Stories are told and retold because they contain wisdom. Stories are effective tools."
In Made to Stick, the authors describe how stories are powerful because they provide simulation (knowledge about how to act) and inspiration (motivation to act). They use the example of Jared and Subway. After three month of the "Subway diet," Jared dropped almost 100 pounds! Now that is a story we can remember. It tell us how to act and inspires us to eat at Subway because it is a healthier place to eat fast-food.
Then recently I was reading an interview with Russell Goldsmith, the chairman and chief executive of City National Bank in Los Angeles. He emphasized how they talk a lot about stories. He said stories "are a really important part of how we teach and reinforce the culture and how we reward behavior." Goldsmith went on to describe how they created something called "Story Idol" every quarter. It is a competition among their 79 offices which leads to a Story Idol competition for the year in a meeting of 300 people in the company. They tell stories about promoting teamwork or going the extra mile to help clients. He said it is like telling stories around the campfire.
Goldsmith said that this is all online on their intranet and it is crowd-sourced and people vote for the best ones. The people who submit the winning stories all get iPads. And there are some cash awards, but he said it is the recognition and respect from peers that matters most to the people. It was clear from this interview that he is gets excited about what they have created and how well it is working.
This is a great idea that can be implemented by all types of companies, all sizes, all industries.
I have thought a lot about the wisdom shared by Meg Wheatley last week. The morning after her presentation, we had coffee before I took her to the airport. I shared with her my life transition--leaving a secure college teaching position after 30 years and now starting my own business of helping people and organizations through transition.
As always, I had a few questions written down because I knew we did not have one minute to waste. Being able to tap into the wisdom of someone such as Meg was a life bonus. I asked her about publishers for my book, how to keep learning or what kind of continuing education should I now pursue, and we talked about what I care about--solving homelessness since I believe it can be addressed with systems thinking.
And this is what she said:
"Cross off most of those questions. Stay in slow motion for awhile. Trust your own experience. Take time to find your own voice. Work with the energy of YES which she defined as "go with the flow."
Meg reminded me of what she had said the night before, "If it feels as though you are pushing the work uphill, you are doing the wrong kind of work. You are being called to do this work and I can tell by your passion. You will make a contribution, but take your time. There are easier ways to make money, but this is a calling. Listen to the call."
People who know me well know that it is hard for me to slow down. It is hard to be patient. But I want to follow her advice because I know it is wisdom I need to hear.
The book I bought of Meg's the night before is titled Walk Out Walk On. Meg said she learned the phrase "Walk Outs Who Walk On" in India. There is a network of young people who chose to leave school, but they don't consider themselves to be "dropouts." They left school because they want to be learners, not passive students. They walked on to discover many ways they could contribute to creating change in their world.
Meg uses the term to get us to think about situations in our lives that we intentionally chose to leave because we knew that to stay any longer would limit us and we move onto situations that offer opportunities. As she defines them:
Walk Outs are people who bravely choose to leave behind situations, jobs, relationships, and ideas that restrict and confine them, anything that inhibits them. They walk on to the ideas, people, and practices that enable them to explore and discover new gifts, new possibilities.
The more I thought about this phrase, the more I realized it characterizes this new phase of life midlife. While it sounds simple, it is not. Walking on to other things takes a great deal of courage, but that helps us to keep growing. Some people stay too long doing what they are doing because they don't know what else to do. And this can be a slow death --like dying on the vine. Similar to athletes who continue to play past their prime.
Do you feel stuck? Or do you feel excited?
Are you continuing to grow or are you doing what you are doing because you don't know what else to do?
What if you took your experience and wisdom to new situations?
How would this make you feel?
How do you want to spend your time between the ages of 55-75?
What do you need to do now to help prepare you for what you think you want to do?
As I started to have more college students who were the children of former college students, I realized that I have some other dreams I would like to reach before I feel it is too late to take on the challenge. So I walked out of a nice and secure position to walk on to new challenges where I am growing every day. I am having to learn things that are frustrating such as being my own information technology (IT) person which is not fun.
But I am meeting so many new people and I am finding my way in this new life phase. Last week I moved into my new office space which is one way to walk on. Since I have never worked at home (always went to a public library to grade papers and write), it was unrealistic to think that I could work at home. So now I have a view of downtown in a small building where the windows open. I joined a women's breakfast club that in addition to breakfast also meets for lunch and dinner once a month.
Being in town has allowed me to do things that are meaningful to me such as take an acquaintance to chemo treatment and make dinner for another acquaintance who just had surgery because of breast cancer. These activities make me feel useful and happy knowing that I have the time to do them. I now have the gift of time which can be gone in a heartbeat.
So I am trying to slow down so that I can look at the view.
From Walk Out Walk On:
This is the setting out
The leaving of everything behind.
Leaving the social milieu preconceptions.
The definitions. The language.
The narrowed field of vision. The expectations.
No longer expecting relationships, memories, words, orletters to mean what they used to mean.
DAVIE, FLORIDA - FEBRUARY 26: Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu holds his hands as he speaks at Nova Southeastern University's Don Taft University Center Arena on February 26, 2010 in Davie, Florida. The Nobel Peace Laureate and human rights activist was a guest speaker during the college's Distinguished Speakers Series. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)
Dr. Margaret "Meg" Wheatley was in town as part of the Chrysalis Conversations. Since her work on leadership and systems thinking has informed my thinking and I have integrated her work into most of my courses, it was an honor for me to spend some time with her (I was her taxi) and to listen to her share her life experiences with us.
Much of what she had to share focused on the importance of relationships--and leadership is a relationship. She said that "life’s basic building blocks are relationships" and that "we never really know who we are until we are in relationship with someone or something."
Meg referenced the term Ubuntu which is an African philosophy for which there are several definitions such as:
I am what I am because of who we all are.
We live in a bundle of belonging. We can be human only together. Archbishop Desmond Tutu
We can’t make it on our own.
Meg is passionate about making the world a better place. But warned us that we have to start small. She said her experiences reinforce the quote by Margaret Mead: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.
Change happens because of small groups of committed people working together on a common cause. She told us stories where women had made great strides in minimizing child prostitution just by being aware of the issue and being determined to offer options.
It is easy to think that we can't make a difference when we think of the big problems facing the world. So she told us that we learn what works by doing the work and to get started.
It is OK to fail forward. Learn from it. And the slogan “We get it right the second time”—by FedEx is the right way to think. Learn from what we are doing. But most of us (organizations and people) don’t take the time to learn. We just want to do it faster and faster and usually things do not improve.
Meg emphasized following the energy of YES. Synchronicities. There are other forces at work. She said that If she is doing the right work, she gets a sense of flow. If it feels as if she is pushing the work uphill, then she is probably not doing the right work.
In conclusion, Meg told us how to change the world in four easy steps (easy, but definitely not simple)
Notice what you care about
Get started
Learn as you go. Making it up as you go along. And if you aren’t, then you are out of touch with reality.
Stay together. Pay attention to relationships.
There were two slogans that she liked so much she said she might put them on t-shirts:
Proceed until apprehended.
There’s no risk—it is already a disaster.
She closed by talking a little about her latest book titled Walk Out ... Walk On. She advised us to walk out of situations that are holding us back. Walk on to: be more, do more, contribute more, learn more …
I liked that. I am still processing the information she shared. As thoughts emerge, I plan to share them.
